Scared stay scared

This weekend, I went to Magnetic island. Beautiful is a serious understatement. We went for “work,” where we were “marketing.” Loosely translated……the owner wanted to get out of town and we drank and met a bunch of people. It was full moon weekend, which is insane. I was on the beach with close to 1200 people dancing and drinking………doesn’t get much better than that. Des (my Boss) promised that I wouldn’t be able to move the next day…….and he was CORRECT. Damn you jaeger bombs, damn you. We went to lunch where everyone commenced drinking yet again. I mean I’m all for drinking a lot but sometimes I swear I can hear my liver begging me to stop. So it was margaritas all around and a water for Anne.

The next day, I fulfilled my dream and got to hold a KOALA!! So freaking cute. But the deal was, in order to get

to the koala, I had to touch a lot of freaky ass stuff. The first being a croc……that was the least scary one. YEA. Next up came the giant bird. And, if it’s even possible I think I have become MORE afraid of birds since I got here. At home we have pigeons and seagulls and what not but here these birds are twice my size and could kill me with their death claw in a matter of seconds. Needless to say, I’m still not a fan. But anyway, I held the bird and thinking I was finished, finally started to relax. No such luck. Next came out the python. That’s right, a PYTHON, the thing that wraps itself around your neck and strangles you to death. But since this trip had kind of turned into one adrenaline rush after another…….i went in. AND HELD THE SNAKE. It took all of my will power not to scream hysterically but since there was a 7 year old little girl next to me doing the same……I felt that may be slightly embarrassing.

Finally, the koala came out. And He was SO cute….and he was definitely a HE. I got groped by a koala…….there’s a great story for the kids. “How was Australia mom?” “Oh great…..i drank a lot and a koala felt me up.” I probably will not be leading by example. But anyway, his name was Barney and he was very soft, and he had VERY sharp claws. I guess that’s typical with guys though……all cute and furry at first, until they dig their claws into you while attempting to play grab ass. Good times.

Last night was my birthday here! And I gotta say, I like having my birthday 2 days in a row. Twice the days, twice the fun. We had Anne’s B-day Beach Bash and after many failed attempts to start a bonfire, ended up sitting on the beach and drinking in the dark. So much fun though. And probably the biggest party I’ve ever had…….although nothing will ever top the little mermaid birthday. NOTHING.

That’s pretty much all that’s going on right now…….going white water rafting on Sunday…….that should produce some interesting stories

Hi, I'm anne....Ian?...No, Anne.....What?......You can call me Gulianna.....

So last week’s adventure was sea kayaking and it definitely was an adventure. Last night we had a bbq so we started drinking quite early. (There’s very little to do here. Either go to bed or get drunk. I consistently choose the latter.) Anyway the drinking games began about 7 and around about 1 am we had finished an entire box of wine. That’s right BOXED WINE. After an involuntary swim and more games I finally went to bed. I had to wake up at 7:30……..I did NOT like that and I was definitely not looking my loveliest.

We go to the beach to get in our kayak when the guide explains that the island is 5 kilometers

away. Oh, and we have to do a return trip too. But we aren’t just going the 5 K there and back. We need to do about 3 extra because it’s much prettier. Let’s be honest….I am probably unable to tell the difference between the good and bad part of the island. It’s an island off the coast of Australia, it’s legit………But anyway, she’s on the ground showing us the correct way to paddle and all I can seem to do is look around to figure out where the nearest bathroom is in case I get sick. This hangover had super powers. It wasn’t like a normal one…….it was like a hangover that had done steroids for a few years and then gone pro. So we begin paddling, and I quickly learn that not only am I not a camper, but I’m also not a paddler. This guide was watching me like a hawk, which was kind of good seeing as Jill and I had already worked out what side of the boat to puke over so we didn’t flood the kayak. BUDDY SYSTEM…..thank you girl scouts! Anyway we finally make it and we go for a snorkel……..actually quite cool. Greatest cure for a hangover……a 6 KM kayak and a 2 hour snorkel…..no worries guys….I FOUND THE CURE.

So after that little incident……I gave up on the water for a while. Then, for some reason I thought that a $5 dinner night that we provided was a great idea. I was thinking maybe 5 or 10 people would want to do it. Well, 24 signed up. That’s right….I had to cook for 24 people. Tacos it is. I have never been more scared. All I could think about was the kanga curry incident. I certainly did not want an encore. But it all worked out and we all had a romantic Mexi dinner together.

The last story is by far the best. So before I started, they asked if I had a driver’s license. Well I do, obviously, as does every other 16 year old in the states. So I show up and ask for a bar night and they explain that I can just take the bus. Well I can’t drive the bus because it’s a stick shift. So one of the managers thinks it’s a great idea to take me for a driving lesson. So I’m driving on the wrong side of the car……the opposite side of the road…..attempting a manual….with my left hand……in a 12 seater van. The fear on this man’s face was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. It was bad. Needless to say, after stalling the van 3 times and almost hitting 4 people, I don’t think he’ll take me for another lesson…..ever. I would feel bad, but this way I get to drink......and that's always the best way to go.

I know I promised I wouldn't do this but........

Well I got a job in Mission Beach….a bit shocking, I know. See, I’m not totally unemployable!!! And, it’s not just a job…..it’s pretty much the most amazing job ever. We headed down here and show up……and it’s a bit small. Like, we asked where town was…..and we got extremely confused looks. Apparently town is the bus stop….SCORE. But still it’s very quaint, the people are super nice, and the beach is AMAZING.

So I’m more or less like a cruise director. I check people in, help them plan their tours, and plan amazingly fun activities at night. I’m just glad that all my sorority experience is finally going to come in handy. See mom and dad, it wasn’t a giant waste of money. Toga Party….planned…….beer Olympics……doing it…….hell, I may even have a graffiti swap just so I can pretend like I’m in college. Oh and I’m in charge of social media…..aka I get to take pictures of drunk people and put them on facebook and twitter. It’s like I’m getting paid to live my everyday life, but add free adrenaline pumping activities.

So, not only is my job super fun, but the perks are a little redic. I get to do all of the tours….for free……. snorkeling…..white water rafting……or whatever. And I live at the hostel for free…...Oh and I have an open bar tab at almost every bar in town (which is like 4, but still, not a bad gig) Seriously, I’m a little nervous I’m going to have to join a cult or something…..it’s just too good to be true. Whatever….as long as I don’t have to shave my head or wake up too early……I’m in.

So apparently I’m going a bit native. I saw a frog yesterday and these guys were freaking out. I just walked oven and picked it up……as if I haven’t been terrified of frogs for 22 years…..and I didn’t freak out every time got within 3 feet of me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I hold frogs and sleep in tents. And I haven’t even straightened my hair in about 2 weeks. It’s almost as if I’m backpacking through Australia. Weird.

SO my first assignment for “work” (yes it’s in quotes) was to jump out of a plane at 14,000 feet. Strangely….i wasn’t that nervous. And I don’t understand why at ALLL. But as soon as I was pushed out of the plane……I may or may not have flipped shit and started screaming hysterically. It was a little embarrassing. But turned out to be the coolest thing I’ve ever done. It was SICK. Oh and I jumped with my boss. Yes, my boss is also a skydiver. This job is legit. Next up……kayaking the reef…….and then extreme white water rafting (because normal white water rafting just isn’t cool enough.) I’m pretty sure mom and dad were thinking more along the lines of me waiting tables while I’m here……..but I guess this works too.

Todo....I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

So we’ve had a bit of an adventure this past week or so. We went to Cairns because apparently it’s the number 1 vacation spot in Australia. I HAVE NO CLUE WHY. It was exactly like Panama City Beach at the Holiday Inn at spring break……except the water isn’t as pretty and there’s no beach. Oh and it rains all the time. Long story short, I was not pleased. It’s one of those things that can be fun for about 2 days, and then you’re seriously over it. Anyway, we decided that we should not have one unhappy moment on our aussie adventure, so we moved on, AGAIN. And we went north, AGAIN. Now we are in Port Douglas, which is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!

So we get here and decide that it’s a great idea to camp out….in a tent……in the land of all things that can kill you. So we rent our little tent and we’re oh so excited because we’re being outdoorsy and getting in touch with nature. Turns out, I don’t like nature all that much. But after 22 years of waiting to camp (you can stop worrying now Mama Kay) I finally fulfilled my dream. I’m not sure if any of you have ever slept in a tent, much less one in the middle of Aussie land, but it goes a little something like this….

1. If you are awoken by 100 degree sauna type heat at 8 am every day, you might be camping in Australia…

2. If you go to the beach at noon so you can take a nap because it’s cooler than your current sleeping arrangements, you might be camping in Australia

3. If you are accosted my cat sized rodents in the middle of the night, you might be camping in Australia

4. If there are 55 new bug bites all over your body that weren’t there when you went to sleep, you might be camping in Australia

5. If you would rather risk permanent bladder injury than walk the 30 feet to the bathroom in case you run into any of the thousands of things that can kill you, You might be camping in Australia

6. And finally, if you don’t need a washing machine because all of your clothes get soaked by the river of water that flows in during rain storms, you are definitely camping in Australia.

As you can see, I was not a happy camper….literally.

After we were awoken at 8 am yesterday by the oh so blessed sun, we did our Daintree rainforest and Cape tribulation trips. Daintree is the oldest rainforest in the world and MAN is it huge. We went on a croc cruise so that Jill could face her fears but we only saw a baby one…so not all that exciting. We kept driving and looking for more and as soon as the tour guide said, “This is a great spot for larger crocs to live…” we heard “Oh shit.” The boat was stuck. Not like a little bit….we were in mud. I’m thinking maybe we shouldn’t have had such a big lunch. Then everyone was running to the front…then the back…then the front. again trying to move the boat. I was sure we were going to have to wade through the croc infested waters…..it seems to be our luck.

We survived and spent the whole next day at the beach. And I mean the whole day, I mean

we had to get SOME sleep. We decided to go out to the bars (because that’s our answer to everything) and somehow ended up at toad races. Then we are sitting waiting to watch and the next thing I know I’m up on stage, and have earned the title of official scorekeeper of the Ironbar Cane toad race. It’s quite an honor. (But I was more excited about the free beer) The announcer did have a field day with us though…..after he thanked us for bringing them the global financial crisis, he was shocked to learn that I could actually write, despite the fact that I attended college in Mississippi. So, all in all, successful weekend.

Now we’re off to Mission Beach…….can’t wait to see what kind of jokes the gods have planned for me this time……..